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I looked down at the odometer today while driving up to my cottage and was surprised to see how far I have gone. The kids were snoozing in the back and I always catch myself reflecting on my situation when I get a quiet moment. It sort of sneaks up on me when I don't mean for it to, usually a song or something will do it. Almost anything that comes on the radio has significance seeing that I spent the last year of Mark's life commuting to downtown Vancouver with him. It's difficult to pin a memory on every song or every place you go. Difficult to do it, but at the same time - impossible not to.

As I was driving, I thought of where I was sitting, where I was living and what I was actually doing today. Everything at that moment, was a result of losing Mark. I wouldn't have been driving in a new car, coming from my house in Kanata and going up to the cottage for the day. All of these things seemed sad because the only reason I'm doing them is because Mark is gone.

The temptation to live in the past and long for what should have been is terribly difficult to resist. Most people my age are having a second or third baby and thinking about where they might go for their 7th wedding anniversary. I on the other hand, am going to a cemetery tomorrow to choose a spot for my husband's ashes...it just doesn't seem right.

Close to the end of Mark's illness we often spoke of what I was supposed to do, where was I to live? Should I sell our house? It all seemed so surreal talking about it, so distant, but now I am living the life that he encouraged me to plan for. If it hadn't been for Mark's strength and courage to face his disease we would never had had the conversations we did. It breaks my heart to remember the times we talked about my future without him, we always cried, but now I feel lucky that we were given the chance to.

I miss my life in BC and the house we had our babies in. Our neighbourhood, our friends and favourite places. I miss my life with Mark and our kids as a family, but when I looked at the number of kilometres I had put on my car today I thought to myself "Wow, who knew I could do this?" I never thought I'd make it this far.

As hard as this is, I try to remind myself it could be worse. It can always be worse. So, as I put the miles on my new vehicle, I will try to look at them as steps forward. These are the steps into my future that Mark wanted me to make so I could build a happy life for our children, one kilometre at a time.

My night light

Tomorrow (July 14th) would have been Mark's 36th birthday. Having spent the last two weeks up at the cottage I have had a lot of time to reflect on what an amazing person he was and how much the kids and I miss him.

Five months have come and gone and it feels, (at times) that he was just here yesterday cooing at Noah as a baby and kissing Audrey's cheeks. I haven't sat to look at any home video yet because my memories of those days feel just as sharp and clear as the days we made them. Just the thought of how Mark smiled with pure joy while hugging and kissing the kids erases the last few months of hardships we endured together. I am finding it easier to remember the happy times now instead of the long days at the hospital. I am relieved that they are being replaced by things only an innocent 4 year old could remember.

Audrey has been like a glowing night light for me when things feel overwhelming. She often has jags of crying and sadness, and the frustration of not being able to get a zipper done up is enough to set her off. But, it forces the three of us to sit and pause at least once ever day or two and remember something special about Daddy. I think Noah is just playing along but soon enough he'll understand our game and it will be just one of the ways he remembers his Dad.

Whenever someone is sad in our house we give each other a hug and try to "Have a memory of Daddy" as I would say to Audrey. It's turned into a really great way to remember why we miss him so much and all the great things we love about him still. I want the kids to feel like they can talk about Mark as much as they want. It seems like almost everyone is a little worried they may say the wrong thing in front of us but there's nothing like the honesty of a child to break the ice.

Audrey sometimes surprises me with her memories. She talks about little daily things they did together more often than big events or places we all went to together. A favourite one of her memories she recalls often is "Watching Daddy's puzzle show on our bed. " In her whole life, she remembers the feeling of cuddling up to Mark while they watched Wheel of Fortune together.

Audrey's willingness to share these things with anyone in the room makes me proud to think that Mark and I have raised such a thoughtful, innocent little human being. It brings a smile to my face (through tears of course) to marvel at how Audrey is able to live in the moment. She may be sad when she crumbles in a pile trying to get a hoodie done up - but conger up a great "Daddy memory" and her smile beams across her whole face... just like her Dad's used to.