Thankful

Watching the kids run around the cemetery as if it was just another wide open field to play in makes me want to stomp on this instant bad mood of mine. As I step out of the car, Noah runs towards me exclaiming that there are new “stones” and that he and Audrey went to go see the lions (monuments in a new section of Highland Park Cemetery). The sun is shining, the air is warm and it’s as glorious a day as anyone could hope for. Pretty much perfect.

I try to fake excitement for him as I stand there and my mood plummets. The two of them dance around and run though the grass as I fight with myself to be thankful that my kids can do such things. Running around in the sun, enjoying an amazing fall day. Commenting on how pretty the trees are poking their heads out on each side of Daddy’s memory wall smiling and laughing. These are perfect examples of the normalcy that I have striven for over the past year and a half for them. Yet, I struggle to crack a smile and I fight the urge to shove them in the car and drive off in haste.

As time goes by, this place keeps changing for me. Do I want to bring the kids here and force a memory on them? Is it productive and an important part of keeping Mark’s memory alive, or is it just the opposite? I painstakingly agonized over the placement, the spot, the writing on the wall, the garden I was going to tend to and now... it is weeks even months between visits. I couldn't sleep until I chose this spot and now I avoid it because of the fall out I experience each time I visit it. The “I miss Daddy’s” and sadness I catch in Audrey’s eyes makes me question what the right thing to do is.

Now, a day later my grumpiness has subsided and I find myself thinking about yesterday but also about the weekend. I force myself to realize that the visit to the cemetery was a brief part of what was an otherwise fun filled 3 days of sunshine, laughing children, turkey, wine, family and friends...enough to be thankful for on this holiday Monday night as I get ready for the week ahead.

How Do You LikeThem Apples?