I am thankful for the life I have now. My busy, yet simple regular
life. It’s one that I have longed
for since cancer broke my heart over ten years ago. My children are healthy, my new husband loves me with all my
messy surges of grief and I live beside the ocean with the people that I love and
crave time with the most. It’s
simple and I am content. I never
thought I could feel insulated from the reality I once knew. Where every day was a struggle and I
thought I would die of a broken heart.
I never realized the infinite capacity we all have to heal. It just takes time, patience and
courage. None of which have come
easily to me.
I have had a nagging feeling to bring this blog back to life
since my visit to Tofino last March.
A place I have wanted to visit since I moved to the West Coast in 1998,
but never did until just recently. It’s given me a sense of peace and closure that I have
been reluctant to write about for fear of ending this chapter of my life I’ve
called “OnTofino” for the past 11 years.
I have commented to others over the years that writing has saved me.
This blog has given me a safe place to write and process and work through the
grief of losing Mark. And it’s
also been the place where I have discovered joy and happiness and the ability
to love again in a way I wasn’t sure was possible.
Visiting Tofino in March of last year was a full circle
moment for me that didn’t really show itself until the morning we were
leaving. I stood in Cox Bay that
morning in awe, listening to the waves crashing against the shore. It had rained in the night so
everything was wet and slippery, it smelled of wet pine needles and the rays of
sun were just breaking through the clouds.
I had run up to the top of the path that morning for one last
peak at the vast ocean that lay before me. At home when I look out on the horizon, I see what are now
familiar landmarks, the sandy spit and the small islands that speckle my daily
view. Mount Baker frames the landmass
across the bay and forms the landmark from which I orient myself. Here, the ocean looked wild and
untamed, endless really; you could see forever. I wanted one more visit with this special place that
captivated me. As I reached
the top of the path I was overcome with the beauty of my surroundings.
I had seen dozens of pictures of this bay, of these waves,
but nothing prepared me for how I felt standing there. It was like I had found something that
I had lost. Something that had
been waiting for me right there on those rocks all those years. I stood there for a while
quietly, watching the waves crash in their rhythmic way and I felt a weight
lift from me in those moments. I
felt lighter and to my surprise, a sense of peace washed over me. It was comforting and
noticeable. With excitement, I ran
back to the room to get Chris and I dragged him to the top of the path to show
him the crashing waves. We stayed for only a few minutes
then got caught up in the drive that lay ahead and started our way back down
the path to go and check out of our hotel.
There wasn’t any prolific event that day, or even that
weekend. It was a simple weekend
get-away with my husband that was long overdue. I felt a sense of peace as we wove our way back home
along the highway. The trees
seemed bigger that day, the mountains more magnificent; the music on the drive
seemed perfect.
I had contemplated this trek to Tofino so many times over
the last 19 years. I had tried to
find the time in my life to go and sadly never found it. After years of Mark and I saying we’d
go to Tofino, something always came up.
A job, a baby, another move.
With each wedding anniversary we pledged to go, but life just
happened.
After I lost Mark to cancer and I relocated back to Ottawa,
I always regretted never making the trip to Tofino from the Mainland. I had been so close for almost 10 years
but never ventured over. It was a
regret of mine for years to come.
I found myself starting over in Ottawa on a quiet little street in the
west end. Not only missing him,
but missing the West Coast and the life we had built together.
In a serendipitous way, our street and our new home chose
us. Off all the places we
could have landed, we found ourselves on a quiet little cul-de-sac in the
suburbs of Ottawa by the name of Tofino Private. I’ve wondered
for years if this was a coincidence.
If it were pure chance that the empty lot in a field I put an offer on
that day would turn into my little piece of Tofino. I’ve come to think over time that these things we
think are coincidences are much more than that. If we
look, we can find meaning in what would otherwise be random events.
Tofino Private was the place that my blog grew and changed
along with me. I often felt stuck
and heavy with grief in those early days, but at the same time something
inspired me to keep on writing. I
found clarity in sorting my thoughts as I typed. I rarely edited any posts. I typed, spell checked (always!) and then posted. Pictures, poems, videos, whatever
thoughts were jumbled in my head and my heart. It was cathartic to share so openly and without
reservation. I didn’t care what
anyone thought, I just wrote to stay afloat. As hard as it was, over the years we
made friends on Tofino Private and we built a life for ourselves. It took time to heal and learn how to
navigate life as a family of three, but we did.
As the ten-year anniversary of Mark’s death is upon me this
week I find myself all out of sorts and wondering where the time has gone. Feeling tearful and somber, then
grateful all in the same day. With
each passing year, I feel a sense of relief and guilt at the same time. I made it through another year, I feel
joy and love and my life feels regular again. But the memories of Mark seem further and further away and
my guilt for living a full and happy life without him weighs on me at
times.
I am happy now living here on Vancouver Island and I marvel
at how time really can heal. I
have surrounded myself with people who care about me and are patient with my
heart. My family of three has grown to a blended family of six! I feel grateful for a second chance to
build my life with someone who shares my sentiment for my kids, for music and
for living a simpler life.
Chris knew of my unfinished bucket list item and we made the
trip to Tofino last March. All though it was a place I dreamt of
visiting in my previous life, it felt so right to go when we did. We walked the beaches and spent 4 days
doing nothing, it was perfect.
I found myself feeling well rested for the first time in a long
time while on that trip and we’ve decided to go back every year.
