Saturday, June 14, 2008

Father's Day



A voice inside of me has been nagging at me to do something about this day...this mood... this heaviness that hangs around me this afternoon. As Audrey drew the pictures on the pavement today, I waffled between absolute amazement (at her) and a sadness that makes the tears come to the surface in an instant. Audrey joyfully asked, "Where's the chalk Mum? I need to draw a picture to celebrate Daddy because it's almost Father's Day." As she drew, she explained the picture and what we were all doing. Once done, she stood up and said "Look Mum, this is our family, Daddy, you, me and Noah." She sounded almost triumphant, so proud of her art work.


Inside, I was (and still am) stuck between two emotions. A sadness at watching my kids grow up without their Dad, then a need to feel thankful for their naivety. Sadness always prevails on days like these but I know that I will gain nothing from holding onto it.


As Noah's head bobbed at the supper table over pizza, Audrey continued to think aloud. Mentioning that; " It sure was sad that Daddy wasn't alive on earth anymore. And, (sigh) isn't it sad that her and Noah's Daddy died?" Such unprovoked honesty from her makes me want to jump across the table and hug her and take it all away. Of course, if I did this she would be thoroughly confused and wonder why I was getting upset about something that just IS.


This thing about my life that just IS, is harder to accept gracefully when the big days come up. When I am confronted with bundles of occasions at a time (preschool and kindergarten graduations, recitals, Father's Day) my resilience as a person is tested. How is one supposed to face these occasions without an asterisk beside them?


When I pose this question out loud to myself, the answer becomes clear. I am grateful to my family and friends who put up with my grumpy moods on these big days. To the ones who let me lean (and cry), and listen when I tell the same story over and over, and for my friends who are there when I pick up the phone to talk about the occasion of the day, or anything but.


Posted by at

1 comment:

  1. AnonymousJune 17, 2008 at 5:31 AM

    Thinking of you Les, You and Mark sure did raise a little angel together. Audrey is such a precious little girl with many special gifts. Mark will live on in her forever, like you said her smile and her laugh are unconditional and full of energy like Mark. I can't wait to see you all very soon and give you a great big hug.
    xo Jul

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)