Lucky Pennies

The feeling never really goes away. For a while, I thought it might have – but I was wrong. It just becomes a part of you and you cope with it better some days than others. I thought for sure that I was over “the feeling” one day. I was walking in the woods behind the house, it was sunny, there were crunchy leaves beneath my feet and there was a crisp bite in the air, a perfect day. I was so proud of myself for stepping outside my own head and realizing the beauty I was surrounded by.

I thought for a second, this is a feeling I remember. One of light joy and happiness, an airy sense of gratitude for simply being alive. I hadn’t felt it for so long it was like hugging an old friend. For a moment, I had a sense of balance between my worlds. The before, and the after. I felt like my sense of gratitude had finally squashed the angry and sad ripped off girl.

Standing in the path and absorbing that moment felt like gold. I wanted to put it in my pocket like a lucky penny. I would wrap my fingers around it whenever I needed a little help. And I was sure I could use it later, most likely at bedtime, the hardest time of the day at my house.

I was sitting on the steps tonight after yet another battle over bedtime and I wanted so badly to just feel thankful. Not angry, not sad and most of all, to not feel ripped off at times like these. It benefits no one. I sat and I waited. I thought about my kids and all that they miss out on each day without their Dad. I thought about how helpless I feel each night when both my kids cry and want me in two different places at one time. I thought really?? Why is it that these are the moments that feel like forever, when the other ones seem so fleeting?

As I sat and waited for the kids to fall asleep, I wondered to myself… how do I fill my pockets for nights like these?