Re-fuel

I wonder, I question, and I doubt. I find myself having this conversation in my head repeatedly as my patience and energy dwindle. My fresh can-do attitude fades as I look at the circles beneath my eyes in the mirror each morning. I work along side co-workers who comment on how tired I look (ps. telling someone they look tired is the same as telling someone they look like shit) and I wonder if this is all worth it.

I toss around various scenarios in my head wondering which variable would relieve some of the stress I feel each day. I apply my mascara and look back at myself, staring into the freckles in my eyes and I see this exhausted woman staring back at me. I don’t feel young anymore. I don’t feel like the bubbly Vancouver mom I used to be. This single-parent-widowed thing is a tough gig.

My mind flickers back to quick snapshots of family times when things seemed easier. It feels like eons ago, and as though I’m recalling someone else’s life. I search for that recent memory of feeling replenished and well rested but it escapes me. I don’t remember the last time I felt unhurried in my day. As I drive from home to the daycare then work and back again each day in scramble mode, I wonder who else feels like this?

The days feel long and my eyes are heavy as I finish the lunches for the following day (my most dreaded task aside from emptying the dishwasher). I can’t seem to find the 2 minutes it requires to pull over and collect my mail from the mailbox on the corner, or to stop for gas even when the gaslight has been glowing for a day or two. To sacrifice the 6 minutes it takes to fill my car would make me “ultra-late” instead of the usual late so I push it. I test the fuel range setting on my VW as it ticks down to 10kms until empty. I exhale in frustration standing in the cold as I fill my car at $1.13/litre…of course, wishing I had done it the day before.

As I listen to the pump clunking away I catch it’s rhythmic sound. It sounds nice…un-hurried, steady, and not in a rush in the least. I envy the gas pump and it’s simple purpose and patient way. I suddenly realize, this is the first time I’ve stood still for more than 5 minutes all day.