14

The sound of the treadmill motor is comforting as I run to the beat of familiar songs.  The playlist, a surprise as the iPod is borrowed.  Mine lies on the unplugged dock, day 5, still waiting to be plugged in and charged ready for the next run.  I run, leisurely at first enjoying the fresh mix of songs.  I know each one well, but the order is unpredictable.  I like the change.

The window is open and the smell of wet cedar wafts in with the breeze.  It instantly brings me back to another place, another time.  The familiar smell of the West Coast, it’s unmistakable.  The air is warmer than expected for September, not the brisk reprieve I was hoping for as my cheeks grow hotter with each kilometer.

I run and hope that I can steal away 30 or 40 minutes to myself, as predicted the interruptions come, Noah first, then 15 minutes later his sister follows.  I am only mildly annoyed as I expected as much.  I am pleasantly surprised with myself for not over-reacting.   The day-to-day annoyance factor seems dulled tonight.  As long as the day was, I feel a heightened sense of enjoying the moment at hand.   I glance at the treadmills’ green and red lights flickering tracking my heart rate.  The thump of my feet is satisfying as I watch the last kilometer count down.

On the eve of what would have been my 14^th wedding anniversary I find myself smiling instead of crying.   Instead of being short with my kids tonight, I am more patient than I have been in months.  I stare at them in awe at what they have become and I wonder if Mark could have ever imagined them as they are today.

I’m not sad, so much as I am curious.  I wonder if I would be the person I am today if it were not for my marriage, if it were not for the challenges we faced with a diagnosis of cancer…I wonder where I would be if things had been different.  I trace a few possible scenarios in my head but they all seem unlikely given the life changing effect that cancer can have on a family.  It’s as though you can’t undo it.

I find myself thinking about the excitement of that night 14 years ago, wondering what the future held.  The possibilities seemed endless.  I never thought I’d ever have even a spark of that optimism again…I’m glad I was wrong.  

Hopeful feels good.