As December Fades

As December fades around me and I sit surrounded by snow, in a new city, a new house and ultimately - a new life, I feel pangs of disbelief still. My life on the West Coast seems like a distant memory. My life as somebody’s wife and partner in life hardly seems like it was less than a year ago. But here I sit, 10 months after losing Mark finding it hard to believe that we endured those hardships together.

Maybe it’s because I’m so far removed from everything that was my everyday back then. All the daily trips to VGH, hours on the road, hours in the clinic. Watching the IV pump drip with packed red blood cells had a way of making time stand still. In retrospect, each transfusion he received probably gave him an extra day or two of energy he may not have had.

Christmas Eve last year was one of our longest days in the clinic at VGH. Mark was determined to be home for Christmas with me and the kids. His plan was to get all the fluids, antibiotics and red blood cells he needed to tide him over Christmas Day and Boxing Day then return on the 27th for anything else. Little did he know that day that his numbers were at rock bottom and we were there from early morning to past supper time. Probably over 8 hours. I remember distinctly the impatience and frustration we both were feeling as we felt the day slip away from us. Just when we thought he was done, the lab called and announced that his platelets were dangerously low and he needed to stay for another transfusion. Two hours later we were still there. Mark was the last patient to walk out of the clinic that evening. It was tough to watch everyone else finish up then go be with their families.

As long as that day was, we did have Christmas together. It was joyful but sombre as we all knew it would be our last together. Now a year later, having trudged through a lot of ‘firsts’ I wonder how to get through this one.