Just for a Moment

I suppose because I'm coming up to a milestone in this journey I am inclined to write. Also, to read my past entries. For the first time ever, I sat and read my entries from start to finish... What a year.

Seeing it in print reminded me of some things I had forgotten but also made it sound so fast. I didn't blog so much when things were going well and I wish I had. I long to remember all the details of the "good times" with Mark over this past year as they are a little fuzzy for me right now. I guess it is grief and sadness that is stalling my brain for the moment.

One thing that has stuck with me over the last month is our celebration for Mark at the golf club. The day was wet, but the rain seemed so appropriate for how I'm sure we were all feeling.
The idea for it was actually all Mark's.

He was adamant that we were all to have a party (for lack of a better word) after he was gone. He didn't want to have a dreary sad funeral - it really wasn't his style at all. One day after a visit to VGH in January, we were sitting at the stop light at 200th and 72nd Ave here in Langley. I distinctly remember him saying "Les, you have to have party, a celebration." We hadn't been specifically talking about it or anything, just listening to the radio and waiting for the turn arrow. The subject had come up before so I knew right away what he was referring to. On the radio, the song Going to California was playing by Led Zeppelin and that moment has stuck with me.

As soon as I walked into the Conservatory at Newlands, I knew it was perfect. Chris and Sue and I had gone to check it out just before dusk only a few days before and the three of us knew right away it was the place. As we wandered around the room awe struck by how perfect it was and how unreal it felt to be choosing a venue for my husband's funeral, a golfer strolled by the green in front of us. Dark hair, ball cap, about 5"8. We all looked at each other and paused just for a moment. As soon as I realized that of course it wasn't Mark, it was just one of those moments in time, my heart really ached. But I also had to smile too.

That night was only days after losing Mark. I'm pretty sure a few of us that week had similar moments when we thought just for second...maybe. But then reality bonks you over the head and startles you back to real life. So if you feel like you need just one more moment, you can always hear his voice on our answering machine, Mark will be there to greet you and kindly ask you to leave a message.