The sound of the treadmill motor is comforting as I run to
the beat of familiar songs. The
playlist, a surprise as the iPod is borrowed. Mine lies on the unplugged dock, day 5, still waiting to be
plugged in and charged ready for the next run. I run, leisurely
at first enjoying the fresh mix of songs.
I know each one well, but the order is unpredictable. I like the change.
The window is
open and the smell of wet cedar wafts in with the breeze. It instantly brings me back to another
place, another time. The familiar
smell of the West Coast, it’s unmistakable. The air is warmer than expected for September, not the brisk
reprieve I was hoping for as my cheeks grow hotter with each kilometer.
I run and hope that I can steal away 30 or 40 minutes to myself,
as predicted the interruptions come, Noah first, then 15 minutes later his
sister follows. I am only mildly
annoyed as I expected as much. I
am pleasantly surprised with myself for not over-reacting. The day-to-day annoyance factor
seems dulled tonight. As long as
the day was, I feel a heightened sense of enjoying the moment at hand. I glance at the treadmills’ green
and red lights flickering tracking my heart rate. The thump of my feet is satisfying as I watch the last
kilometer count down.
On the eve of what would have been my 14th
wedding anniversary I find myself smiling instead of crying. Instead of being short with my
kids tonight, I am more patient than I have been in months. I stare at them in awe at what they
have become and I wonder if Mark could have ever imagined them as they are
today.
I’m not sad, so much as I am curious. I wonder if I would be the person I am
today if it were not for my marriage, if it were not for the challenges we
faced with a diagnosis of cancer…I wonder where I would be if things had been
different. I trace a few possible
scenarios in my head but they all seem unlikely given the life changing effect
that cancer can have on a family.
It’s as though you can’t undo it.
I find myself thinking about the excitement of that night 14
years ago, wondering what the future held. The possibilities seemed endless. I never thought I’d ever have even a spark of that optimism
again…I’m glad I was wrong.
Hopeful
feels good.
