I feel as though I need to sit here for one last night and enjoy the glow of this Christmas tree before taking it down tomorrow. Considering the effort it took to erect such a grand looking thing, it should stay up till spring but my lack of enthusiasm in this year’s festivities is interfering with the pure enjoyment of the season (and this tree!). Anyone who knows me well knows that I love Christmas. I love the music, the tree farm, the storybooks, Christmas baking with the kids all the things that are unique to Christmas and that make my children smile. But this year, even with all my good intent and positive “good” attitude I couldn’t even fake a real happy feeling.
Of course the obvious contributor(s) to my pathetic lack of oomph could be the fact that I am a fulltime single working mother of two fragile little people who miss their Dad dearly. Or maybe that I haven’t slept- in past 6am in what feels like months. Or perhaps it’s just that daily grind of racing to two daycares each morning and arriving at my desk before 8:30 each day (doing a completely new job!) then racing back home (don’t forget the 2 kids at daycare Leslie) and making lunches, meal planning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bath, stories, ballet, concerts and of course playing with my little ones so they remember who their mother is. (Yep, that’s a little bit; scratch that, a lot of complaining just there)
I wonder sometimes, is this for real? Is it humanly possible to keep up this pace? How can one person keep a positive attitude when they feel so depleted each day? How does one stand strong and make the right decisions when their child tests them each and every day? How am I to do this all alone without someone to talk to each night? I have caught myself wondering why, when I know all too well that this question is futile. There is no answer, or at least no answer that I could comprehend while on this earth.
When I think about the year that is about to come to an end I find myself wanting to lump it into some sort of category. Was it a good year or bad one? Full of new beginnings or difficult memories, fun filled, or lacking in fun factor? Of course, it would be impossible to say an entire year falls exclusively into one of these categories. And it’s awfully tempting to grab onto the freshest experience and say it was all bad or all difficult, but sitting here tonight I am on the fence about where to slot 2008 in the archives.
I guess because it was neither all bad, nor all good either. It’s just another year gone by. Another year without Mark, but another year of firsts. Another 365 days for the three of us to get used to what our new life is about now. It’s been good and bad, full of new beginnings AND difficult memories. It’s been fun AND not so fun. There have been a lot of tears but some good laughs too (and sometimes the two of them together). As I look at the tree and dread the task of carefully removing the decorations, in the same moment I am just as eager to put them away and imagine where I’ll be next year at this time.
Only time will tell…
The Millennial CAPTCHA
2 days ago
