The Kindness of Others

It's 8:30pm and everyone has gone home. Mark is upstairs reading "pretend stories" to Audrey and Noah is asleep. Feels down right normal as I listen to the chug of the dishwasher behind me.

Christmas has been everything we hoped for. Mark is home with us and most of his family were able to join us. I cooked a bird this afternoon and we are all stuffed! The presents under the tree this year were overwhelming but we were happy to indulge our little ones and see the twinkle in their eyes.

This year as a whole has been the worst. Each year, I catch myself reflecting back on the year before and I try to remember it. Who was here, did we go back to Ontario? Did I cook a turkey or did we barbeque some Keg steaks? I am embarressed to admit that last year is a bit foggy. I can't even say for sure who was here for dinner and what my husband gave me for Christmas.

This year is different.

Different for sad reasons and different for happy ones too. I am forever going to remember the kindness of the people who surround our family each day. The wonderful things people have done for us leading up to this holiday has been incredible to say the least. Mark and I can't even believe it sometimes. It gives us the strength to look into our kids' eyes and smile for real. Not just because we have to hold it together for them, but because the kindness of others has made the unbearable just a little easier.

I never imagined I could endure these hardships. You always think to yourself "What would I ever do if..." Each day I see friends and aquaintances who ask me how I do it. How do I cope? I think the only way is that I have the love and support of all of you who read our blog. I even have the support of people who don't even know our family. Friends of friends, even strangers who have heard our story and just want to help. It is the goodness and kindness in others that makes me believe I can do this.

This Christmas will be the one I remember forever, the details will stick with me always. I know who was here for supper, I will remember what I cooked and most of all ... I will remember what my husband got me for Christmas. One more Christmas together as a family
I love you Mark.
Leslie

Circumstances

It is with a heavy heart that I write this blog tonight. The familiar feeling of typing these words again fills me with sadness. We have been here before, but now we know we've tried everything. Mark did not achieve remission with the DTIL3 study so we are left with the hard reality that he will not recover from this disease.

As I wrote these very same words just over a month ago, I had a tiny bit of hope in my heart. I thought that maybe by some small miracle Mark would get through this. But it just hasn't happened that way. We are surprised, but not. We are sad and exhausted by thinking about what this means for our family and our kids' future.

After sitting with Mark this afternoon while he received red blood cells and platelets we forced ourselves to try and find some good in all this. After a few hours we decided that this can't all be for nothing. This completely unfair, horrible experience can't be just that. Something good has to come from it or it will all have been a waste. All the suffering will have been for nothing.

Now that we have experienced the hardships of life with cancer it is tempting to look for the why. Why me? Why Mark? Why my family? We aren't looking for some profound meaning from God or some higher source. We're not looking for the Why in all this because there is no reason for it. Mark didn't do anything to deserve this, it just happened. We are victims of circumstance and we just have to try to get through today.

Over the last few months we have asked Why many times. It seems so unfair. I don't admit that I am comforted by the fact that Mark has cancer just because. But I know in my heart that that there is no reason, it just is. I need to channel my energy and support towards my husband instead of wasting my time asking Why. I need to love my family with all the I've got to get through the next few months. Try to find something good about this whole mess so it's not all for not. If you look hard enough, you'll find it. Mark and I did.