Dear Mark,
On the eve of what would have been your 39th birthday I am flooded with a mixture of emotions tonight. They are not the easy identifiable ones; they are more mixed on days like these now.

I glanced at the date this morning on my way to work, the route very familiar to me now having driven it for nearly two years. I drop the kids at daycare and have to weave my way back through several stop signs to get to the main road. It’s the place where I mentally prepare for the day and transition from daycare mom to career mom. It’s not a deliberate act; over time it’s just sort of evolved that way. As I exit the school parking lot, I feel a sense of lightness that I accomplished the first part of my day, everyone in tact. Now for act two.

A quick stop for coffee and I’m usually well into the planning stages of my morning. I feel a relief to have my mind occupied with prioritizing my day but as I drove this morning I found myself thinking about you.

I caught myself by surprise when I noticed the date and didn’t immediately fall into a slump for the entire day. I thought about you often today but in a different way than I have on past birthdays. There hasn’t been the same anticipation and lead up to today. I caught the date flash across my phone and I waited for the usual sadness to weigh me down when I realized the day, but it was softer. It was kinder to me than I expected.

I sipped my coffee at the intersections and thought about this idea. This realization that time changes us, whether we are willing participants or not. I felt downright thankful for this fact. Without the passing of time, how would we cope?

I wonder sometimes how I cope, and I wonder why or how this all happened. It’s hard not to get rocked backwards on significant days. It’s easy to embrace the unfairness of this and get pulled into a sad place. When I look at Audrey and Noah, I ache for them but at the same time I admire their ability to roll with their lot in life. They have adapted in ways that I never thought possible.

I have oscillated between missing you, feeling sad for what you endured, and anger for having had this happen. I have been overcome with sadness today and then caught myself smiling within minutes when a song or something significant jogs a memory of you.

As the invitation to the 4th annual Mark Allan memorial tournament landed in my inbox tonight, I was again reminded of how you continue to impact so many lives. It amazes me still. I think of how our friendship and marriage taught me to open my heart to others and how my life today is changed because of that. I wish everyday that Audrey and Noah could have gotten to know you, their time with you was too short. Hopefully as time passes and they grow, they will learn about the person that you were from the people who’s lives’ you touched the most.

So in your absence, it only feels natural to celebrate you tomorrow.
We'll be thinking about you as we blow out your candles and remember you. Dad, husband and best friend.
Love,
Leslie

Please

How do you undo a pattern? The negative kind that makes you wonder how it got so out of control. A pattern of behaviour that begins each day at the crack of dawn and ends with the little person upstairs finally falling asleep from exhaustion. How does he do it every day??

The constant explosions and negotiations for one more this, one more that, I’m hungry, I need another book. I need a glass of milk, I need…more. He is unfillable! He doesn’t see the erosion of good will that is being sucked out of me day by day. The desire to be kind falling deeper within and harder to draw from when needed the most.

As I sit here and listen to him I wonder what he’s thinking. I wonder what he wants. Is it just me? Does he just need more of me? Is he screaming for boundaries, or revolting against them? How can he be so relentless? I have to be both for him. The nurturer and the boundary setter. Is this possible? Can one parent be both? Can he find both those roles within me?

I have armed myself with information and advice from other parents, some solicited, some not. I have read articles and countless parenting blogs only to discover one common thread in all these readings. I am in for a battle of a lifetime. I am in for years of undoing the negative pattern that has erupted in my household. And it’s all up to me.

As I read about the parenting “team strategy” and the united front one must keep when dealing with a persistent school ager my mood started to slip. Then the importance of being able to take turns and take breaks from the challenging child, you know, for your own sanity... ? I stopped reading mid paragraph.

It’s hard not to feel bitter and a bit sorry for myself when I feel the weight of both roles sitting upon my shoulders. The only part of this mess that doesn’t completely suck is that I have the privilege of getting to know Noah at age 5, his Dad never got to. I have to remind myself of this when I feel overwhelmed. I get to see them grow and the price I pay is being both nurturer and boundary setter, their Mom and their Dad. So when you see me struggling with my kids and trying to stay sane, be patient with me, please. A sympathetic ear or a hug will do.

Oh Canada!

 

 

 

Oh Canada!

 

 

Oh Canada!