For me...? Thank you.

There are those rare times every so often when something happens and you feel like it is speaking to you. Like it was meant for your ears, or your eyes and the greatest part about it, is that you actually realized it! It’s like a fleeting tease, a moment that dares you to believe that that very thing was meant for you. I'm not really talking about sunsets or rainbows, but less grandiose things. Smaller, simpler things.

It’s not very often that it happens, and I doubt that I ever took the time to slow down and see it before. Often, getting too caught up in the busyness of the day and trying to rush from point A to point B. I made a decision a few months ago that I was not going to be a slave to my schedule anymore. Sure, I’m still going to get to work on time and to the daycare before it closes, but I decided that I could not live my life in the perpetual rush state that had become my reality. I put my foot down (I guess with myself) and said no more rushing.

It’s been nearly two months since I made this commitment to myself and I am feeling like life is a little bit kinder to me. Less demanding in some respects, though I didn’t change much. All I did was decide that I wasn’t going to race all over the place anymore because it was stressing me out! A little piece of me is reluctant to make New Years Resolutions or Lists of What I Should be Doing as these things usually fade by mid-February and can feel slightly hollow given that we all expect to fail at them before the ink is even dry. But here we are mid February and I am reaping the small rewards of a less rushed life. A small victory.

Which brings me to Dave, the “Dave and Morley Dave” of The Vinyl Café. The kids and I usually catch bits and pieces of it in the car on the weekends and I always love to hear the kids giggle when they listen. (A true sign my kids are growing up!) The story today was “Dave’s Letter.” As I listened to the story and the musical guests I felt like it was meant for me in some small sort of way. The people, the places, the music, the sentiment expressed by Dave at the end. All of these things seemed to represent something significant to me, something that I could identify with. It made me smile quietly to myself as I sat at the bar and drank my coffee listening to the familiar delivery of Stuart McLean.

This in itself was not a luxury I ever made time for before. My weekends up till recently were filled with driving to and from activities and generally playing catch up on laundry and meal preparations for the week. I felt pleased with myself for having made the time to sit and listen to a 45-minute favourite show of mine.

As the story unfolded and Dave pondered his list I thought about my own. How different would it be? What else would I add to my “do not rush list” to open myself up to all the possibilities of connection that await us? I like Dave’s list so I will share it below. And if you have 45 minutes to spare, give the podcast a listen, it’s a good one. I’m probably not the only one who feels like the Vinyl Café speaks to them personally.

Dave’s List
(as heard on the Vinyl Café by Stuart McLean Feb 20th, 2011)

Tell the truth
Ask for help
Don’t speak of others behind their back
Strive to forgive
Be generous
Be quiet
Read books
Eat your greens

Thank you Stuart...and to Dave.
I'm glad I made the time to listen. Your list already came in handy today, I will keep it close by as the rest of the year unfolds before me.

http://www.cbc.ca/podcasting/pastpodcasts.html?44#ref44

Happy Birthday Noah John!!

February 12, 2011

Mark,
Today, we remember you.
We miss you and love you.
Audrey, Noah and Leslie

handbook, watch out

I wish you had written me a handbook. I could have really used it today, and numerous other times over the last week alone. Ideally, it would have been written in the “Book of Rules” style format. Lots of headings, labeled with the page number attached for quick reference. I’d keep it in my purse to use at a moments notice, or I’d throw it at people when they’re being insensitive. Like today.

I would have looked up, “what to do when a group of women you’re eating lunch with keep discussing the tragic circumstances of Mr. 36 yr old young guy who’s been diagnosed with cancer and it happens to be the week your husband died.” The conversations rarely end there either. How sad, and he has this kind and that kind, but they can’t operate because of this reason and that reason. (How could they possibly know this much?!) And so and so, knows this person who had the same type, and this person’s ex had a similar kind of cancer…How can people presume to think it’s okay to talk about others like this?? Don’t people know that cancer gossip is the most hurtful kind? All the while, the only thing I can do is sit there silently while the tears brim to the surface and I look for the nearest exit so I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. I wonder what your one line response would have been to shut them down. You would have been brave enough to say something.

I could also use some guidance on how to not feel so guilty when I can’t attend every school activity for our kids. Especially the ones mid-day, mid-week with ultra short notice, like tomorrow. And it would be great to have a child-approved answer for why I NEVER volunteer for field trips. Or why do we have to stay at daycare for so long?? I just have this feeling that your answers to these pleas would be more accepted, simply because they were yours.

I know the big ones will come in time, like the lessons of life, and how to tell our son about man-like things. These are not the ones that seem so big and scary to me. It’s the little things. Like trying to remember the happy times we had together as a family rather than focusing on what’s been lost simply because of a date on the calendar. I could really use a whole section on this because if you look hard enough there’s probably a dozen of them a year.

So, yes, I wish you had written me a handbook, or better yet, a survival guide to getting through the week. Seeing that this is impossible, I suppose I could keep “The Rules of Life" handy even if just to throw at people when they make me cry.