A Week and a Day

It's been a week and a day since I lost Mark and these past eight days have felt like a dream. Time is funny when there is such intensity all around you, it stands still but at the same time feels like it's slipping out from underneath you. Now that I am quiet and sitting here at my keyboard I am slowly bracing myself for the days and weeks to come.

It feels truly impossible to even imagine a life without my husband, best friend and soul mate. These last 11 months brought us closer together and happier than I ever expected. Despite the illness and endless hours at the hospital, the harsh reality of an expiration date on our time on earth together really did make the little things count. No wonder people write those little pocket books full of cliches and sayings like "stop and smell the roses". Now I get it.

During the service for Mark yesterday I sat and listened to Lynda tell Mark's story. I already knew it of course, being married to him and having written the details of it for her, but hearing it told out loud in a room full of people made me smile. As the minutes passed I watched the rain drip down the glass and noticed how absolutely beautiful it was. The trees swaying in the wind and the flag on the putting green catching the breeze every now and again. These are all things that Mark would have noticed. At the time, I thought to myself, Why am I noticing all these little details now, in the middle of my husband's memorial service? How is it that everything around me seems so beautiful? I thought I would be crying and sobbing uncontrollably through this and here I am smiling at the rain dripping down the glass.

I don't really know why I chose yesterday to marvel at how amazingly beautiful a dreary west coast day can be. Or why I noticed how an empty golf course could look so peaceful and serene, but sitting and listening to others speak about my husband's life has changed me forever. Losing Mark has changed me. It is because of Mark that I was able to crack a smile through my tears over these last eight days. They have been the hardest yet, but I know if I look hard enough, I will find it somewhere within me to cope when I feel hopeless. I don't think I chose yesterday to notice the beauty that surrounds us everyday, I think I had a little help.

Remembering Mark.

As many of you already know, the day that I have been dreading has come. After an almost 11 month battle with leukemia, Mark has succumbed to this dreadful disease. We put up a good fight and Mark will be remembered for the efforts he made to find a cure for leukemia.
Mark will be remembered for many things. I’m not writing my long list here because honestly, it’s endless, but each of you have your own reasons to keep Mark in your heart.

There are so many things that can be done to help our cause and ensure that someone else will benefit from our loss. I would love for everyone to consider donating blood and getting on the bone marrow donor list. Wearing a Leukemia and Lymphoma Society awareness wristband and sharing my story with others would inspire me to be strong for my children and never forget Mark.

To help aid in Mark’s legacy, we have partnered with two organizations that will benefit from any contribution you may make in Mark’s memory. To acknowledge the care that Mark received at the VGH Leukemia and Bone Marrow Transplant Unit and on B4, the outpatient clinic, please consider making a gift to the VGH & UBC Hospital Foundation, 855 West 12th Avenue, Vancouver, BC V5Z 1M9 for the Leukemia/BMT Program. You can also phone Trudy Preston directly @ 604.875.5240. I would like to see an everlasting memorial in the form of a Tribute Plaque in Mark’s name to be hung at VGH and your donation to this excellent facility will help this Tribute Plaque dream to become a reality.

In addition to supporting the hospital where Mark received much of his care, I know that increasing leukemia awareness is very important to both Mark and myself. Therefore, donations to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society of Canada would also be appreciated at http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org/ in memory of Mark.

A celebration of Mark’s life will be held on Monday, February 19th at Newlands Golf and Country Club at 21025 – 48th Ave, Langley at 11:30 a.m. This is an open reception and I hope you will join me to share stories and memories about the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

What Can I Do?

It’s been so long since I’ve had time to blog and I feel like I’ve left you all hanging. So much has happened since I last wrote but I can’t seem to remember all the details

You could draw a triangle with your finger on a map that extends from Langley Memorial Hospital, to our house and VGH. Mark and I have been traveling within these three points since I last blogged

The last few weeks have been tougher. Mark’s energy is much depleted as he has been fighting a number of infections with two trips to the hospital via ambulance. It has been the toughest month yet.

Mark was just admitted to Langley Memorial last night and is now concentrating his efforts on jumping over the most recent road block thrown his way—pneumonia!

While Mark had an hour or so of sleep last night I was able to finish my book,” When Bad Things Happen to Good People’ by Harold S. Kushner. A very special friend passed it along to me after her Mom read it. It is a book that examines God’s role in our lives. Being in the “undecided camp” on the topic, I was eager for this book to prove or disprove something for me. I was pleasantly surprised after the first 20 pages or so that it was far from “preachy”

Now that I am finished it, I am left with the feeling that I am not alone during this; I decided a long time ago that these circumstances are nothing more than that. Mark’s leukemia just is.

Life is not fair, the wrong people get sick and it seems so unjust. I have wondered often why bad things happen to good people since March 14, 2006. Now after reading this book I need to focus my energy not on why, but on; now that it has happened what am I going to do about it? What can I do to help my kids remember their Dad? How can I make the rest of Marks time as special as possible? What can I do to help find a cure for leukemia or encourage others to donate blood? How can I help others going through the same thing?

For all these questions I am grateful to have the strength to even want to ask them.
It’s incredible how a simple book can change your outlook.

Thank you Kathryn, and to you too Sharon for lending me a book that has helped point me towards love and change instead of bitterness on this long road ahead of me.