My cross-country girl!

 morning of the run...chilly, rainy and cold...but still excited!

 25 degrees!  wardrobe change...in the gates, moments before take off

 way to go audrey!! 

proud mummy

5th Annual Mark Allan Memorial golf Tournament...a trip to remember

 at the airport with Chris, YOW...on the way to YVR

 the tallest Chris I know!

 a little pre-golf

 our gracious hosts

 tee-off time, Chris and Mom

 unbelievable sunshine at UBC

the trophy that lives @ Relish all year long

 the winner...again!  Way to go team-Jude 

Leigh...and me

Audrey and Noah, proud as can be.

Afraid to forget

As I begin my fund raising for the annual Leukemia Lymphoma Society Light the Night walk, I find myself sifting through pictures and video of Mark.   I haven’t sat and watched a video or flipped through a photo album in what feels like a long time but as I do so, my young family in the photographs feels dream-like to me.  I feel like I’m looking at somebody else’s’ life.  I have trouble remembering the feeling of having a babe and a toddler and a sick husband.  Racing home from the hospital to see my kids then racing back in the night desperate for Mark not to be alone once they were down.  Always feeling in between two worlds with a ticking clock as the soundtrack.  The life I had is captured in picture form but feels foreign to me now.  

It’s a weird feeling to look at pictures and not feel an immediate ache, if I look long enough it surges back.  It’s a relief to be over that hump of constant sad when I look at pictures but now it’s sad in a different way.   I hear from other young widowed women that they are afraid to forget their spouses.  At first I thought that’s crazy – how could you forget your husband?? But I know what they’re talking about now.  You’re afraid to forget for fear of forgetting.  It makes no logical sense but it’s a feeling that can draw your energy away from the present.

At first, you wrap yourself in memories that comfort you.  You crave the person’s presence and feel empty without them.  It’s soothing and torturous at the same time.  As time passes you realize that having those memories so close by is hurting more than helping.  Remembering the intricacies of a person that is gone is too painful.   At times, all you want to do is forget so you tuck them away from the everyday.  You find ways to cope and move forward.  

 You begin to let the present dictate your mood and you find opportunities to smile because it feels good.   The spaces between remembering and forgetting get longer and gratitude starts to take hold.   You’re thankful for the peace and strength to move forward.  The pictures make you smile rather than cry.  You remember him as he was before cancer took hold of your life and turned it upside down.

Then it happens, you go a month, or two or three and then you catch yourself forgetting your former life.   You find yourself absorbed in today and you struggle to recall the very person with whom you couldn’t imagine your life without.  It’s a conflicting feeling, to want to remember when you know sadness will ensue.  You want to remember because you’re afraid to forget the husband and father of your children.   You feel this incredible responsibility to remember, but you know it’s safer to let time go by and let the memories fade. 

 Is it a safety mechanism, this controlled remembering?   Do we forget these small details as time goes by like someone’s voice, or their smile because it’s a necessity to grow?    How is it that I can’t recall his voice until I hear it on a video?  I spent nearly 10 years married to this person.  I’m afraid to forget yet there are times when I’m afraid to remember….

I thought about Mark this weekend while surrounded by family and friends for Thanksgiving.  Kids running around, good food, conversation and wine.  I thought about how lucky I feel to have a person in my life that understands this inner struggle.  The times when I need to remember him just because.   It’s an exercise for me in mending my heart and feeling grateful for today.