A Year Gone By

I feel as though I need to sit here for one last night and enjoy the glow of this Christmas tree before taking it down tomorrow. Considering the effort it took to erect such a grand looking thing, it should stay up till spring but my lack of enthusiasm in this year’s festivities is interfering with the pure enjoyment of the season (and this tree!). Anyone who knows me well knows that I love Christmas. I love the music, the tree farm, the storybooks, Christmas baking with the kids all the things that are unique to Christmas and that make my children smile. But this year, even with all my good intent and positive “good” attitude I couldn’t even fake a real happy feeling.

Of course the obvious contributor(s) to my pathetic lack of oomph could be the fact that I am a fulltime single working mother of two fragile little people who miss their Dad dearly. Or maybe that I haven’t slept- in past 6am in what feels like months. Or perhaps it’s just that daily grind of racing to two daycares each morning and arriving at my desk before 8:30 each day (doing a completely new job!) then racing back home (don’t forget the 2 kids at daycare Leslie) and making lunches, meal planning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bath, stories, ballet, concerts and of course playing with my little ones so they remember who their mother is. (Yep, that’s a little bit; scratch that, a lot of complaining just there)

I wonder sometimes, is this for real? Is it humanly possible to keep up this pace? How can one person keep a positive attitude when they feel so depleted each day? How does one stand strong and make the right decisions when their child tests them each and every day? How am I to do this all alone without someone to talk to each night? I have caught myself wondering why, when I know all too well that this question is futile. There is no answer, or at least no answer that I could comprehend while on this earth.

When I think about the year that is about to come to an end I find myself wanting to lump it into some sort of category. Was it a good year or bad one? Full of new beginnings or difficult memories, fun filled, or lacking in fun factor? Of course, it would be impossible to say an entire year falls exclusively into one of these categories. And it’s awfully tempting to grab onto the freshest experience and say it was all bad or all difficult, but sitting here tonight I am on the fence about where to slot 2008 in the archives.

I guess because it was neither all bad, nor all good either. It’s just another year gone by. Another year without Mark, but another year of firsts. Another 365 days for the three of us to get used to what our new life is about now. It’s been good and bad, full of new beginnings AND difficult memories. It’s been fun AND not so fun. There have been a lot of tears but some good laughs too (and sometimes the two of them together). As I look at the tree and dread the task of carefully removing the decorations, in the same moment I am just as eager to put them away and imagine where I’ll be next year at this time.

Only time will tell…

Christmas Day 2008

 

 

 

 

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

 

My Singing Cardinal

 

 

 

"Santa Claus is coming to town..."

Tofino Ballerinos!

 

 

 

Pretty Path

 

 

 

Thankful

Watching the kids run around the cemetery as if it was just another wide open field to play in makes me want to stomp on this instant bad mood of mine. As I step out of the car, Noah runs towards me exclaiming that there are new “stones” and that he and Audrey went to go see the lions (monuments in a new section of Highland Park Cemetery). The sun is shining, the air is warm and it’s as glorious a day as anyone could hope for. Pretty much perfect.

I try to fake excitement for him as I stand there and my mood plummets. The two of them dance around and run though the grass as I fight with myself to be thankful that my kids can do such things. Running around in the sun, enjoying an amazing fall day. Commenting on how pretty the trees are poking their heads out on each side of Daddy’s memory wall smiling and laughing. These are perfect examples of the normalcy that I have striven for over the past year and a half for them. Yet, I struggle to crack a smile and I fight the urge to shove them in the car and drive off in haste.

As time goes by, this place keeps changing for me. Do I want to bring the kids here and force a memory on them? Is it productive and an important part of keeping Mark’s memory alive, or is it just the opposite? I painstakingly agonized over the placement, the spot, the writing on the wall, the garden I was going to tend to and now... it is weeks even months between visits. I couldn't sleep until I chose this spot and now I avoid it because of the fall out I experience each time I visit it. The “I miss Daddy’s” and sadness I catch in Audrey’s eyes makes me question what the right thing to do is.

Now, a day later my grumpiness has subsided and I find myself thinking about yesterday but also about the weekend. I force myself to realize that the visit to the cemetery was a brief part of what was an otherwise fun filled 3 days of sunshine, laughing children, turkey, wine, family and friends...enough to be thankful for on this holiday Monday night as I get ready for the week ahead.

How Do You LikeThem Apples?

 

 

 

 

 

The Kissing Hand

The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn; a must have for any parent of a preschooler. This book has been kicking around the book shelves for a few years at our house as it is one of “Mummy’s teacher books” so the kids especially like it. I decided to read it the night before Noah started daycare, or “school” as we refer to it around here.

The story is about a raccoon, who doesn’t want to go to school but wants to stay home with his mom. The clever mummy offers up a special secret that immediately interests Chester and he wants to know more. She tells him about the secret of the kissing hand, and how her mother told her about it when she was his age. She gently unfolds his hand and kisses it, then carefully wraps his hand around it so as not to lose it. She reminds him that he can place his hand against his cheek throughout the day in case he misses her and to think about how much she loves him. She even jokes about it ‘sticking’ when he washes his food. Not only does the secret satisfy him and he merrily goes off to school (without so much as a whimper!) but he surprises her with a kissing hand for her to keep.

Try reading that one the night before your baby starts daycare!

So as we are about to leave for his first day of ‘school’ I think to myself that the next ½ hour has the potential to go either way (BTW, my wager is on the screaming and kicking end of things). I reach deep and come up with the “kissing hand”. I unfold his hand, kiss it and then fold it back up reminding him how fun school will be and that I will be back to pick him up later that day. He plays along telling me not to worry, it will stick when he washes his hands for snack. I buckle him up and we pull out of the driveway.

We drive the 5min up the road to school and he has his seat belt unbuckled and is climbing over Audrey to get out before I can even get there to help him (all the while I’m waiting for him to turn, and run!). He’s got his backpack on and his right hand closed so tightly you can see the whites of his knuckles. He pushes past his sister then pauses to look up at me (with is big brown eyes) and says:

“Mom, is dis the hand with de kiss Mom...Mom is this it?!!”

At the lake

 

 

 

 

2nd Annual Relish Restaurants Mark Allan Memorial Tournament

 

 

 

 

2nd Annual Relish Restaurants Mark Allan Memorial Tournament