Something lost

The sadness that encompasses my life each day can be fleeting and overwhelming all in the same hour of a day. It makes me wonder how much see-sawing a persons’ soul can tolerate. How is it that one minute things can feel almost normal only to disintegrate before my eyes in minutes, sometimes even seconds?

It has become evident to me over the last 7 months that this is part of the deal. You don’t always get to choose when you feel like being happy or sad, it has a way of choosing you. The sometimes random nature of this roller coaster is what makes things feel quite impossible at times. Then there are those days that the calendar dictates. These are hard in their own way. All the anticipation leading up to the day and all the family members who are at a loss for words and who want only to comfort you.

How does one coast through these anniversaries without feeling bitter or deprived of what is rightfully theirs? How do you re frame something that is lost, into something that is good? This question begs for an answer from anyone who has loved and lost. Somehow Tennyson's words don’t fill the gap in my heart. It may well be that “Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. " It just feels harder to believe tonight.

Eve of Kindergarden

On the eve of Audrey's first full day of Kindergarden I am yet again drawn to my computer. These milestones and firsts are undeniable and they have a way of refreshing the mind and heart of what is lost. I have been excited for Audrey and Noah and all they will encounter this month, both are starting school (Kindergarden and Nursery school) and it is the first step out of toddler hood for my baby.

Audrey will board the bus tomorrow morning at 8:10am around the corner from our new house and Noah and I will meet his new nursery school teachers. The two things seem almost unbelievable even though I have been waiting all summer for them to happen. The children are ready and I will welcome the freedom it will give me but my heart hasn't caught up yet. My reluctance to embrace this new found role is difficult to shake.

Fall is the time for cozy sweaters and changing leaves, crisp sunny days (in Ottawa!) and walks in the Gatineaus'. All the things I love about fall are all the things I loved doing with Mark. We met in August of '95 and spent the rest of that year falling for each other. A lot of my early memories of Mark and I are of our days together living in the market. We'd walk home from work together on crisp nights and our hands would be freezing by the time we reached our doorstep. He didn't care though, he always held my hand on walks home. All of these simple memories seems so clear to me almost 12 years later. I wonder if they would be so close to the surface if things had been different...

Remembering these early days is good for a moment, then incredibly sad. I don't think I'm far enough away from losing Mark to have a feel good memory that lasts that way in my mind. I long for the time that I will remember and be grateful, rather than remembering with sadness. There is no pre-determined set of instructions to follow to achieve this gracious mind set and it seems to have become the hardest part of grieving for me.

But, what can you do? It can't be fixed, or changed. Hoping for the impossible is tiring and hard on the soul. My mind tells me to plow through the sadness and hold it together for Audrey and Noah. I just have to talk my heart into it, one day at a time.

HOW

How do I hold my head high

when I want to weep
how do I sit on the stairs and listen to our two year old cry

when he doesn’t want to sleep

How do I not feel alone

when everyone else is part of a pair

how do I pull myself out of a slump when I want to

but feel only despair

How do I watch our baby start kindergarden

with only me at the door

how do I be satisfied

and not want more

How do I move forward

and try to enjoy each day
how do I know what to do for our kids

and what to say

We didn’t choose this
nobody would
life shouldn’t be this hard for our babies
I know you’d change it if you could

I miss you I love you and I feel so alone
I wish I had you to share it with Mark

I wish you could come home.