Today

I have sat many times to write and reflect in the past few months, but the blog has remained at a standstill since February 12, 2008. A significant date no less, one that was anticipated with dread but also with a desire to be done with as soon as humanly possible. Wanting to hurry through the last year just to get on with the next is an exhausting way to live, but in retrospect - a completely natural way to feel when you miss someone so dearly.

Over the Christmas Holidays last year, a friend gently reminded me to savour the moments and try to enjoy each day with my kids. This seemed like an impossible request. How on earth could I watch my kids unwrap gifts and experience the magic of Christmas without their Dad? It was as hard as I imagined it to be. All the reminders of Mark were heightened by the season, we all felt overwhelmed with loss and I recall thinking to myself, I just want Christmas to be over, this is too hard, too painful for my kids (and me), I just want it done.

As January melted into February I wanted it all back. The season that was so painful to endure at the time, was something that really was full of joy for us. It was hard to appreciate when the absence of Mark weighed so heavily upon us. The kids still laughed with their cousins and visited with friends, we had fun attending parties and hosting our family. We did all the things that we usually do (and more) and I wished it all back in an instant when February came.

I think we all anticipate the next step, the next stage and look forward to our future; it’s natural to look ahead. I am guilty of wanting to rush through the moments so I could be just one more day away from the intense sadness I felt when Mark died. This year has been incredibly hard, but also full of surprises for us. We have met amazing friends on the street that make our new beginning here feel like this is where we belong. The new friendships we have forged with neighbours, friends (old and new) siblings (and parents!) have made this year as bearable as one could ask for.

The logical side of me tries to keep us afloat by focusing on the things that are in my control. I can’t change that Mark isn’t here, but I can try to make the most of the moments. I’m sure with this warm weather upon us I will catch myself longing for the days of summer, rushing through spring just to get to the blasting heat of July. But won’t we all complain and wish it was more like today? A sunny 20 degrees with the kids riding bikes in the cul-des-sac as the sun sets?