Me & Mac

Over the last 4 years, my laptop computer has become an essential “must have” integral part of me. (Yes, I can survive a week at the lake without it!!) But as I find a cozy place to park myself at the end of each day and gently open the lid and watch the screen light up, I realize the degree of comfort I draw from this little machine. Is it because it’s my connection to the world outside of banker/mummy/widow/lunch maker/caregiver/homework helper/bike repairer/laundry do-er?? Probably. Sure, I like this sleek, thin, aluminum little Mac book with its Apple-esque prettiness to it. But it is a connection to so much more.

I think about how I scramble through each and every day. From the moment I hear footsteps flitting across the carpet (at 5:49am!!) to the moment when I sit down and lift the lid on my laptop nearly 14 hours later, the weight of the day sits upon my shoulders. As I tap the iTunes icon and the music fills my quiet sleeping house, I feel the weight of the day begin to roll off my shoulders.

I open up my browser to the world, the non-bank world, and I catch up. I get myself up to speed on the minutia that fills people’s lives all day. And I enjoy it. I like to read about the sometimes trivial and often unfiltered thoughts of people I know (and also the people who have tracked me down after 20 years). It’s like sitting on someone else’s window ledge and watching the world go by from their side of “the wall” One’s wall can be so revealing when read in sequence.

After I get my fill of status updates I read some fluffy news and check my circuit of favourite blogs and websites. After only minutes, it feels as though the connection to something lighter is in full swing. I dance from page to page and song to song and I don’t really think about the battles that occurred in the hours that preceded this. Discovering new music and connecting with the world outside of my little banker/mummy world can sometimes be enough to wash away the stress of the day. Sometimes.

On the days when it’s not and I’m overwhelmed, I use my computer to connect. I connect with others, sometimes with my past and often I am drawn back to my blog in an effort to find a path towards the future. It’s not always simple and obvious when you’re sad. I know myself well and I know that I will surf aimlessly in an effort to procrastinate. I often try to distract myself but there are times when even the best website, song, or collection of pictures isn’t enough to wash away the weight of the day. It may take me a while but this is where I come. I come home to my blog.

Sometimes I read back, all the way back and I can barely believe that I’ve lived these moments. It’s as though I’m reading about someone else’s life. I read it and I cry. I swing between feeling anger and sadness, and then a sense of pride that I’ve made it this far. I remember back to when my life was filled with such sadness and devastation and I feel thankful for my sleeping babies upstairs. I connect with my past by reading about it. There are times when it holds me back, but other times it pushes me forward. It depends on the day.

Writing and blogging seems to help me connect with what will become my future. When you can make sense of the chaos in the moment and untangle it, the future doesn’t seem so impossible. On the days when music sifting and webpage hopping isn’t enough to distract, I rely on this little machine to guide me back here.