Please

How do you undo a pattern? The negative kind that makes you wonder how it got so out of control. A pattern of behaviour that begins each day at the crack of dawn and ends with the little person upstairs finally falling asleep from exhaustion. How does he do it every day??

The constant explosions and negotiations for one more this, one more that, I’m hungry, I need another book. I need a glass of milk, I need…more. He is unfillable! He doesn’t see the erosion of good will that is being sucked out of me day by day. The desire to be kind falling deeper within and harder to draw from when needed the most.

As I sit here and listen to him I wonder what he’s thinking. I wonder what he wants. Is it just me? Does he just need more of me? Is he screaming for boundaries, or revolting against them? How can he be so relentless? I have to be both for him. The nurturer and the boundary setter. Is this possible? Can one parent be both? Can he find both those roles within me?

I have armed myself with information and advice from other parents, some solicited, some not. I have read articles and countless parenting blogs only to discover one common thread in all these readings. I am in for a battle of a lifetime. I am in for years of undoing the negative pattern that has erupted in my household. And it’s all up to me.

As I read about the parenting “team strategy” and the united front one must keep when dealing with a persistent school ager my mood started to slip. Then the importance of being able to take turns and take breaks from the challenging child, you know, for your own sanity... ? I stopped reading mid paragraph.

It’s hard not to feel bitter and a bit sorry for myself when I feel the weight of both roles sitting upon my shoulders. The only part of this mess that doesn’t completely suck is that I have the privilege of getting to know Noah at age 5, his Dad never got to. I have to remind myself of this when I feel overwhelmed. I get to see them grow and the price I pay is being both nurturer and boundary setter, their Mom and their Dad. So when you see me struggling with my kids and trying to stay sane, be patient with me, please. A sympathetic ear or a hug will do.