Wash over me

I put the kids to bed and fought the tears until I found refuge down here on the couch. Safely out of earshot of the kids, I feel my cheeks flush and the tears start to roll down my cheeks. The lights on the tree blur as I let my sadness come to the surface. I sit here and I cry the tears that have been brewing all evening. I am discouraged by my somber mood.

I walked down the stairs with a familiar heaviness in my chest. I dislike this feeling that has been at bay for so long. I have grown accustomed to feeling in control of my sadness, choosing when to let it wash over me and when to channel it into something hopeful. I know that it is my choice, yet I don’t always feel the strength required to make the better choice.

Why do we choose to be sad? Is there some biology at work sabotaging our good intent? What lens am I looking through today that makes me feel depleted? Why do we feel more resilient some days and others just the opposite? I have asked myself this question many times over the last four years and I find myself sitting here again tonight wondering the same thing.

There are too many variables at work to hold just one accountable for our moods but there must be triggers for each of us. Tonight, I am sad for what my kids have lost…will this ever go away?