It's been a week and a day since I lost Mark and these past eight days have felt like a dream. Time is funny when there is such intensity all around you, it stands still but at the same time feels like it's slipping out from underneath you. Now that I am quiet and sitting here at my keyboard I am slowly bracing myself for the days and weeks to come.
It feels truly impossible to even imagine a life without my husband, best friend and soul mate. These last 11 months brought us closer together and happier than I ever expected. Despite the illness and endless hours at the hospital, the harsh reality of an expiration date on our time on earth together really did make the little things count. No wonder people write those little pocket books full of cliches and sayings like "stop and smell the roses". Now I get it.
During the service for Mark yesterday I sat and listened to Lynda tell Mark's story. I already knew it of course, being married to him and having written the details of it for her, but hearing it told out loud in a room full of people made me smile. As the minutes passed I watched the rain drip down the glass and noticed how absolutely beautiful it was. The trees swaying in the wind and the flag on the putting green catching the breeze every now and again. These are all things that Mark would have noticed. At the time, I thought to myself, Why am I noticing all these little details now, in the middle of my husband's memorial service? How is it that everything around me seems so beautiful? I thought I would be crying and sobbing uncontrollably through this and here I am smiling at the rain dripping down the glass.
I don't really know why I chose yesterday to marvel at how amazingly beautiful a dreary west coast day can be. Or why I noticed how an empty golf course could look so peaceful and serene, but sitting and listening to others speak about my husband's life has changed me forever. Losing Mark has changed me. It is because of Mark that I was able to crack a smile through my tears over these last eight days. They have been the hardest yet, but I know if I look hard enough, I will find it somewhere within me to cope when I feel hopeless. I don't think I chose yesterday to notice the beauty that surrounds us everyday, I think I had a little help.
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You are amazing Leslie. God bless you and your children. Please let me know if I can help you in any way.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, you don't know me but I wanted to let you know how proud I am of you to deal with so much. I also wanted to tell you when I was a teen I thought Chris and Mark were the most amazing guys anyone could ask to be your friend,and I was proud they were mine.
ReplyDeleteMy dad died of this as well and I share your desire for a cure.
Take care
Its a very strange feeling how life does slow down after a whirlwind. I know to well the feeling. I knew you were always in my thoughts but it seems that now a day does not go by when I do not think of you and your family. At times I feel sad and yet at times I think of you guys and a smile will creep up on my face. It was such an honor to be at Mark's celebration of life. I have not know your family on a very personal basis but seeing the pictures and hearing the stories I felt a part of your lives.
ReplyDeleteYour family is amazing and the love is overwhelming. I think back to my mom and our relationship and I think If I had to do it all over again and knew what was going to happen I still would not change it. I have so many wonderful memories. She was my best friend.
Time will go by and I do not think it gets easier we just learn to deal with things differently. You learn to apprieciate the small stuff and find beauty in everything. Now we try not to ever forget that because life is a very valuable gift. My thoughts and prayers are with you every day.
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteReading your thoughts reminds me of the words in U2's song Walk On... "Love is all that you can't leave behind..."
You are so beautiful Leslie. You are so brave to let so many people in to your intimate thoughts, but as you can attest, you are richer for it, allowing us to wrap our arms around you if even in spirit.
Love and prayers,
Jane