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I looked down at the odometer today while driving up to my cottage and was surprised to see how far I have gone. The kids were snoozing in the back and I always catch myself reflecting on my situation when I get a quiet moment. It sort of sneaks up on me when I don't mean for it to, usually a song or something will do it. Almost anything that comes on the radio has significance seeing that I spent the last year of Mark's life commuting to downtown Vancouver with him. It's difficult to pin a memory on every song or every place you go. Difficult to do it, but at the same time - impossible not to.

As I was driving, I thought of where I was sitting, where I was living and what I was actually doing today. Everything at that moment, was a result of losing Mark. I wouldn't have been driving in a new car, coming from my house in Kanata and going up to the cottage for the day. All of these things seemed sad because the only reason I'm doing them is because Mark is gone.

The temptation to live in the past and long for what should have been is terribly difficult to resist. Most people my age are having a second or third baby and thinking about where they might go for their 7th wedding anniversary. I on the other hand, am going to a cemetery tomorrow to choose a spot for my husband's ashes...it just doesn't seem right.

Close to the end of Mark's illness we often spoke of what I was supposed to do, where was I to live? Should I sell our house? It all seemed so surreal talking about it, so distant, but now I am living the life that he encouraged me to plan for. If it hadn't been for Mark's strength and courage to face his disease we would never had had the conversations we did. It breaks my heart to remember the times we talked about my future without him, we always cried, but now I feel lucky that we were given the chance to.

I miss my life in BC and the house we had our babies in. Our neighbourhood, our friends and favourite places. I miss my life with Mark and our kids as a family, but when I looked at the number of kilometres I had put on my car today I thought to myself "Wow, who knew I could do this?" I never thought I'd make it this far.

As hard as this is, I try to remind myself it could be worse. It can always be worse. So, as I put the miles on my new vehicle, I will try to look at them as steps forward. These are the steps into my future that Mark wanted me to make so I could build a happy life for our children, one kilometre at a time.