almost

It felt almost easy. We laughed on the way there, drank our coffees and talked about nothing and everything. The kinds of conversation that evolve after an hour on the road are the ones that feel so honest and real. I often remember them the longest and with more detail than other daily conversations.

We had a nice leisurely morning in spite of the deadline hanging over us. Eggs, coffee, and a quick stop at the local Starbucks for another coffee for the long drive ahead. At first glance, we could have been on our way for a weekend escape only minus the uniform. The kind girl at Starbucks tried to give you the drinks without paying when she realized where we were headed.

I sat in the car and pondered our circumstances as we drove along. The usual bad Ontario drivers in the left lane (and 401 stop and go traffic) begged us to agree enthusiastically with one another about how pathetic ALL the other drivers are on the road. We make a great pair that way; complaining about bad drivers is great fun!

I thought about you leaving to go to a place that is so foreign to me. A region that is full of conflict and still in dire need of guidance and aid from other countries. Essentially, a place that in my mind represents the unknown. As we drove along I realized how normal our day seemed, you making me laugh as you commented on how useful desert camo is because you can spill coffee and no one would ever know. We chatted as usual about our favourite artists, our plans for the spring, the kids. Then we pulled into the base.

A place you have been to a dozen times in the last 3 months and probably a dozen or two more throughout your career. I got the quick drive by tour of the barracks and hangars and then the reality of the day sunk quickly into my knees. As the mid day sun made it’s appearance I wanted to quickly rewind the day to last night’s relaxing evening in front of the fire.

I met a few of the crew which put me a little bit more at ease in what felt to me to be a strange place. It felt as though we were all standing in limbo waiting in this “in between two worlds” sort of a place. Most everyone I met was light hearted yet there seemed to be a shared desire to just get things moving already. So much lead up to any departure almost always creates a buzz to just get on with things.

We stood and we chatted and then you walked me to my car. You kissed me but it didn’t feel like a sad goodbye like I thought it might. It felt, hopeful. I was thankful in that moment for your practical, realistic ways. As you said, it’s not really goodbye. I know I’ll be seeing you in a matter of weeks. I watched you walk back into the building and I got in my car, proud of myself for keeping it together for you.

I sat at the lights waiting to exit glancing up at the clear skies. I thought about your long night of traveling and the 3-hour drive ahead of me.
It felt…almost easy.

And then the tears came.