Brighter Stars and Crisper Days Ahead

It's a beautiful sunny crisp day in Kanata. You can feel autumn nipping at the heels of summer waiting for it's chance. As I sit here with a hoodie and shorts on at my desk, I am surprisingly aware of the change in season. I have often read that those who are grieving are more in tune to what's happening in nature. Just last night as I was closing my windows I noticed the stars and how bright they seemed. The air seems crisper and the clouds more fluffy today. I guess the books are right.

Being back in Ontario has been full of mixed emotions for me. Through out the summer, I have been relieved to have the cottage to go and spend time at. The kids have had a wonderful time but as summer draws to a close I am reminded of all the milestones that lie ahead. All summer long the kids have grown and matured in ways that I still can't believe. Noah speaks in full sentences now. He sits at the table without a booster seat and is almost potty trained. Audrey learned to swim with her life jacket and swims right out to the raft. To some, these little things are just part of growing up. But to me, they are bittersweet to witness. As Audrey is yelling "Look at me Mummy, I'm swimming!!!" I want in my heart to be as excited as her, but I can't chase away the thought of Mark missing it all.

Mark was such an involved Dad. While other moms were going to baby group and on their own, Audrey and I were lucky enough to have Mark with us. Working at The Keg made for some long nights but having Mark around in the mornings was great. We all had breakfast together, went to play group together and he was there for Audrey and Noah's first steps and other baby milestones. I always thought it was so neat that I got to hang out with my hubby in the day.

Now with Fall just around the corner we're coming up to Audrey's first day of school. This will be the first of many big milestones that the kids and I will do on our own. I remember when Mark relapsed he told me there were two things he wanted to experience; Audrey starting kindergarten and Noah talking. All Mark wanted was to hear our son say "I love you." I can't imagine how he must have felt knowing that these simple pleasures were being taken from him by his disease. Noah did start to talk right before Mark got really sick so it gives me some comfort that he got to really communicate with Noah. Not just repeating back as toddlers do.

Another event that is fast approaching is the Light the Night Walk that Mark and I participated in last year. It was such an amazing day. Early that morning Mark was suffering from severe bone pain due to the leukemia and couldn't even get out of bed. I raced around town looking for a wheelchair for him because he wanted to walk the 5kms with us. Only hours later, he recovered from the pain and actually walked the whole 5kms on foot. I was always amazed at Mark's ability to overcome the obstacles that leukemia threw his way. This year I am fundraising in his memory. It will be difficult to do without him, but I know how strongly he felt about making a difference. If you'd like to help, come visit my Light the Night page and make a donation or join the team and come and walk. It was a life changing night for me last year and I would love to share it with you.

To donate:
http://www.active.com/donate/ltnvan/2103_lallanLTN

To join Team Mark Allan and walk or fund raise yourself: http://teams.lightthenight.org/TeamMarkAllan