Eve of Kindergarden

On the eve of Audrey's first full day of Kindergarden I am yet again drawn to my computer. These milestones and firsts are undeniable and they have a way of refreshing the mind and heart of what is lost. I have been excited for Audrey and Noah and all they will encounter this month, both are starting school (Kindergarden and Nursery school) and it is the first step out of toddler hood for my baby.

Audrey will board the bus tomorrow morning at 8:10am around the corner from our new house and Noah and I will meet his new nursery school teachers. The two things seem almost unbelievable even though I have been waiting all summer for them to happen. The children are ready and I will welcome the freedom it will give me but my heart hasn't caught up yet. My reluctance to embrace this new found role is difficult to shake.

Fall is the time for cozy sweaters and changing leaves, crisp sunny days (in Ottawa!) and walks in the Gatineaus'. All the things I love about fall are all the things I loved doing with Mark. We met in August of '95 and spent the rest of that year falling for each other. A lot of my early memories of Mark and I are of our days together living in the market. We'd walk home from work together on crisp nights and our hands would be freezing by the time we reached our doorstep. He didn't care though, he always held my hand on walks home. All of these simple memories seems so clear to me almost 12 years later. I wonder if they would be so close to the surface if things had been different...

Remembering these early days is good for a moment, then incredibly sad. I don't think I'm far enough away from losing Mark to have a feel good memory that lasts that way in my mind. I long for the time that I will remember and be grateful, rather than remembering with sadness. There is no pre-determined set of instructions to follow to achieve this gracious mind set and it seems to have become the hardest part of grieving for me.

But, what can you do? It can't be fixed, or changed. Hoping for the impossible is tiring and hard on the soul. My mind tells me to plow through the sadness and hold it together for Audrey and Noah. I just have to talk my heart into it, one day at a time.